Screen Smart® Blog

Getting Real and Getting Digital: The Basics

Even if you are visiting us for the first time, you probably already know that there are many “experts’ in the area of children and media and digital technology. Parents, educators, caregivers, doctors, mental health care professionals, law enforcement and countless others have many strong, and sometimes conflicting, views on this subject. As the founder of the International Children’s Media Center, I have spent my professional career, spanning nearly 40 years, researching the ways children consume media, including films, video games and other online content. After working with more than 500,000 kids of all ages, I understand both the upsides and the downsides of digital media, and have developed an approach that can flex and grow with your child as they develop socially, emotionally and intellectually.

We, at the International Children’s Media Center, are here to provide you with tools, not a rigid template; advice, not prescriptions or proscriptions; and a multi-layered resource for your media/digital questions and concerns so that you can develop in your children, or the children in your care, skills that can be applied now and in the future.

Instead of focusing on the “what, when and how much” media children watch, we focus on how young children, as well as pre-adolescents and adolescents, engage and use screens. Our evidence-based approach activates “human technology” to boost literacy, emotional intelligence and academic success. Our programs and workshops train children and adults to be self-aware and intentional so they develop healthy tech habits that stop screen addiction before it starts. BUT, you don’t need to invest in a workshop to start to build the digital behaviors you desire.

To a young mind, a tablet or smartphone is a portal to a magical world filled with limitless possibilities. Like Dorothy stepping into the technicolor land of Oz, handing a digital device to a child is like giving them access to unlimited wonder and excitement. Like the Scarecrow, the Lion and the Tinman in the Wizard of Oz, we, too, need the brains, the courage and the heart to help our children navigate the digital landscape. SO, let’s start the path together.

TWO Principles to Live By: A child’s fascination with digital devices needs to be balanced and grounded in two real-life principles:

First, to be successful long-term users of technology, children need an ongoing awareness of the power and potential of their own minds. We need to transmit this dynamic awareness of “the power of human minds” to children through our own beliefs and behavior as educators and through the learning environments we create.
Second, all the positive behavioral rules and values that have been instilled by families and schools need to be connected, intentionally and verbally to the way children use screens. We don’t send our children into the world without some positive guidelines: caring, sharing, courtesy, kindness. When it comes to digital devices, those same rules apply. But we all need to say it, and mean it and follow through.

THREE C’s Action Plan: These 2 principles to live by are put into action through the 3 C’s:

Communicate-Watching and talking go together!
Co-View – When kids interact with others during screen time, they learn more.
Connect—Relate how stories on the screens relate to the stories they read in books

Just remember to ask questions and interact. Digital media are full of details and situations that make perfect springboards for open-ended questions.

And now a little deeper dive into your preschooler and early elementary school-age children and beyond.

Your Preschooler

We have all seen very young children with screens. In fact, I’d be surprised if anyone reading this hasn’t handed a screen over to a toddler for distraction, or turned on the TV to gain a little respite. But what matters long term is to STOP making screen time a solitary activity; STOP segregating screen time from family time and START connecting what we see on screen to the real world; START to connect the stories we read in books to the stories children see on screens. The good news is that most of what follows below is intuitive and comes naturally. As we like to say here: TURN ON THE MIND BEFORE TURNING ON THE SCREEN! Here are some ways to do this:

Before pressing play, prime the child for this fun, new way of using screens. Start by saying something like: “Today we’re going to do something special and watch/play together! We’re going to look for what we like, what we don’t like, and why.”

Use your “storybook voice.” During screen talk, you need to use your storybook voice to encourage, coax, and tease out answers. When we’re reading a bedtime story, we don’t speed through in a monotone voice. Instead, we take time to enjoy the shared space and the cuddling, using a playful and caring tone.
Interact and talk during screen time. The biggest down sides of screen time are that it’s often sedentary and solitary. If we watch or play with screens together, we give our children a totally new idea of what screen time can look like. I’m not saying you have to watch everything with your child. Just share the experience of watching together once or twice a week. Tip: Pick something you are already familiar with for your first co-play or co-viewing experience.
Point out details and share ideas. During story time, a child may ask a question, or point out a color, or an object, or a character they enjoy. You contribute whimsical questions, perhaps tying real life experiences to the book. When a child points to the image of a dog and says: “Puppy!”, you might say: “Yes, we saw a dog at the park today too! What color was the dog we saw at the park? What color is this dog?” That same kind of interaction can easily take place during shared viewing. Every word counts in early childhood and the more words shared with parents, the better!
Ask questions. You can pause and ask questions or ask questions while the program is running. “What do you think happened there?” “What kind of animal is that? “Why do you think she did that”? “What color is that?” You just want to get your little ones used to listening to you and answering or asking questions while watching. Children are smart. They’re information sponges! They can easily grasp and answer your questions while watching. If the answers “go long” just pause. Tip: If a child asks you what happened, try turning the question back, “What do you think happened here?” You can even replay in slow motion and look for clues.

Your Early Elementary-Age Children

Many of the same approaches suggested with respect to preschoolers and screen time apply to elementary-age children, albeit at a developmentally higher level. And, importantly, children in this age group are likely to be expected to use technology in connection with school assignments and, for better or worse, are beginning to engage with their peer group via social media and interactive games.

If you haven’t done so already, now is the time to talk to children about the positives and negatives of social media and video games. For instance, start with the positive things you’ve already taught your children about how people should treat one another and connect these principles to social media. “When we use screens, it’s just like when talk to each other or to our friends. We don’t say cruel things or yell at one another. Those same “rules” apply to using social media platforms.”

Now is also the time to begin to focus kids on how they are being affected by their digital devices. I find it helpful to let the children know that you will be spending some time with them while they are using their devices. If you started a pattern of co-watching when the kids were preschoolers, this won’t be a new topic. But even if you have, kids start to become less sharing naturally at certain stages of development. So, lay the groundwork before you start watching or playing a game by saying something along the following lines:

We’re going to look for what we like, what we don’t like, and why.” (Boosts critical thinking and meta-cognition.)
“Let’s notice what we’re feeling and thinking about what we’re watching.” (Boosts self-awareness.)
“We’re going talk about what the characters are feeling and thinking.” (Boosts emotional intelligence.)

When you finish viewing, circle back with questions. “What part did you like and why?” “What were you thinking when…?” “How did that character feel while…?” Listening to your kids talk about what they’re feeling and thinking is a game-changer. They start noticing how they’re being affected by screen time and start trusting you to be their digital mentor.

Screen Smart® Skills to Navigate the Crisis Zone

We all worry about how our youngest children may respond to the tragic
school shootings, sexual abuse and disaster stories that saturate the
airwaves and the internet. Parents and other caregivers all ask similar
questions:

How can we help our children if they come to us about something
they’ve seen?
When and where should I talk to my child about the news?
What should I say and how should I start?

The truth is your littlest ones, ages two to six, won’t understand the
nuances and meanings of complex and disturbing topics that may appear on the news.

Their worldview is limited to a close circle of family, friends, pets and places with which they are familiar and that’s all as it should be. Generally, the calmer you and other adults are about “bad news”, the less attention your little ones will give it.

Try to follow this simple rule: Limit the exposure to crisis coverage by turning off disturbing news content when young children are present. This will allow you to engage with the child later in a safe, reassuring manner after you have had a chance to digest the information yourself.

But what happens if a young child is exposed to the latest disaster or if the adults or older children in the child’s life (teachers, babysitters, siblings, etc.) are visibly shaken by events?

Here are some steps that I’ve used over the years for an Early Childhood Crisis Response Plan in relation to the news.

The Door’s Open: Come Talk to Me – Make sure your children know they can come to you to talk about the things they see on screens. Before there’s even a hint of a problem on the horizon, gently let your children know, “Honey, if you see something or hear something on a screen that you don’t understand or that scares you, just come ask me about it.” The underlying message is powerful almost to the point of being revolutionary because so few of us send this message to our children in relation to screen time: I care about how you are responding to what you watch.

Create a Safe, Supportive Environment to Communicate. When your child does come to you, take a breath and stay calm and reassure your child physically and verbally. Remember, you haven’t done anything wrong and it’s unlikely the child will experience lasting damage from what she’s seen or heard. You already know that when a child is upset or frightened it’s important to be close and comfortable. Hugs and “lap time” provide physical “grounding” and and go a long way toward stabilizing a child before verbally (1) acknowledging their feelings and (2) assuring them that they’re safe. To let children know their feelings matter, try starting with “I understand you’re scared, this was scary.” That’s often better than “Don’t be scared” which directs a child to stop feelings what they’re feeling. My catch-all “soothing statement” is: “I understand that you’re feeling (sad/scared/upset). You’re safe here with me, (hug) so let’s talk if you want to.” Note: If you happen to be upset, and your emotional response to the news has worried the child, make sure you add, “I am upset (or sad or angry), but not with you.”

Dialogue About Disturbing Topics – While my instinctive adult response may be to corral and contain the child’s emotions, we can turn these disturbing media moments into opportunities for family bonding if we talk less, listen more and ask questions. Here are the ingredients for a great dialogue about things you hoped you’d never have to discuss:

Find out what the child has seen. You’ll help children understand the situation and you’ll redirect some of the raw emotions by asking questions. For example, “What did you see? What did the person do? What did you think was happening?” This gives them the chance to make new meaning from what they’ve seen and put their ideas in order.

Give a simple description. Using simple words to describe what happened gives children a way to store the information in their minds. It also helps to neutralize strong emotions and panic by putting the children’s focus on something they can understand. For shooting you can say, “Someone used a gun to hurt people.” For hate crimes or bullying, “Someone was mean (bad) to someone who was different from them.” For rape or sexual abuse, “A person hurt someone else.” For kidnapping, “Someone took a girl away when she didn’t want to go.” For theft, “A man took something without asking. What’s that called?” (Child: Stealing. Like when someone took my crayon box at school.) “Yes.

Let children respond. After providing a simple description, I usually pause to see if the child wants to say something. “That’s bad, mommy.” “I don’t like that.” “I don’t want to know that person.” You can support children in their observations in neutral ways without joining them in biases, by saying, “I understand. It’s hard to know why things like this happen, but I’m so glad you came to talk to me.”

Avoid biases. It’s a good idea to steer away from words that refer to ethnic background, weight, appearance, religion, etc. unless that’s really important to the discussion and you’re prepared for a longer dialogue. Children won’t understand the references and they’ll just absorb the feelings behind the words. For example, it’s better to say “girl” and “boy” or “man” and “woman” rather than “cute kid” or “old lady”, “some homeless dude” or “black gang”.

Allow questions about feelings. Children are sensitive to feelings and a challenging dialogue can be an opportunity for social emotional learning. For example, if children ask about why a person “did things to other people”, it’s good to go general rather than searching for a specific answer. For example, “I love you and I know you, so I can understand your feelings. But it’s hard to understand the feelings of someone we don’t know. So we can only guess. Maybe that person was unhappy for a long time and there was no one to help him.” Or “Maybe that person was angry for a long time and got confused and made a mistake.”

If you are in a public space – for instance, at the airport, where TV screens are ever-present – quickly and calmly redirect the child’s attention to an activity, a toy or a book when screens suddenly show graphic and disturbing news. If toys and books aren’t handy, start talking with the child about a recent or upcoming “fun” experience: “Grandma promised to take you to the zoo this week. What are some of the animals you really want to see?”

Affirm the safety of your family and home. At the end, it’s helpful to come full circle and reassure the child that “The important thing is that you are safe with Mommy and Daddy and we’re going to make sure that nothing bad happens to our family.” Or better yet, borrow from Fred Rogers, whose mom told him, “When you’re scared, look for the helpers. You will always find people who are helping.”

Let them “help”. Often, when children have talked to me about a natural or unnatural disaster, I’ll ask them if they would like to try to help. If they say, “yes”, I’ll ask, “What could we do to help? Let’s think about it.” Here are some of the answers I’ve gotten:

- Call and leave a message.
- Draw a picture of something happy to make them happy again.
- Make a card together and tell them we are sad for them.
- Save some pennies and send them.
- And my favorite: Hold that person in my heart and send them some love.

As parents and caregivers, we don’t have answers for everything, and we never will. We just need to provide the stability and love that lets our children know it’s okay to come to us with their concerns and ask questions. Reflecting on those questions together can actually bring us closer, make us kinder and more compassionate. Really, it’s ok to be confused. It’s ok to be sad…because it shows we care. Then, maybe, we can try to help.